A Whole New Paradigm

Well, crap.
Damn, this hurts.

Some variation of those thoughts ran through my head a million times yesterday. Most of the time they were profanity laced and I'll spare you from that.

For those of you who missed it, I'm injured for the first time in my journey. I went to a step aerobic class that I had been to the previous Saturday and completed without any problems. I felt fine and, in fact, my knees were feeling better than they had been all week. I started with the warm up without any problems and we were just starting the routines. Nothing too intense to start off with. I was feeling pretty good because I remembered a lot of the first routine without having to re-learn it all. I was doing a split basic step off the step and when I put the left foot down, I felt a pop in my left calf. It hurt, but I thought maybe it would be okay and tried to keep going. About two steps later, I knew that wasn't going to be the case. Long story shorter (yeah, I know it's been pretty long already), I got down to the front desk with assistance, called Vince, and we headed off to the west side Wesley ER. And as I said in my FB post, it is much nicer than the ER on Hillside.

After a pretty painful examination, the doctor said I didn't tear anything, but I did strain my calf. The plan of action is keep it wrapped so there is compression on my calf, cool packs three times a day, ibuprofen regularly, crutches as needed (not supposed to be more than a couple of days), and take it easy. A couple of important notes: I despise crutches! And I really suck at taking it easy when I have to. As my mom said when I talked to her earlier, I don't mind hanging out at home doing nothing as long as I have the option to do something if I want to. If I can't do anything else, hanging out at home doing nothing seems like a punishment of some sort.

For the first time in a really long time, I woke up on a Sunday morning and got dressed in pajama pants and a t-shirt and went to sit on the couch. It felt weird and wrong. I usually get up, put on workout clothes, and head to the basement to do my step workout. I didn't like not being able to follow my routine.

Yes, I know: I'll get back to my normal routines quicker if I slow down and rest now. Yes, I know: my body needs time to heal and if I don't give that time, then I'll risk getting hurt worse. Yes, I know: this happens and it could have been much worse. Yes, I know: I'm not a superhero and don't heal instantaneously.

However, none of that helps with the feelings I'm having. As much as I never would have dreamed it, I look forward to working out. It's become part of who I am. I love how I feel after I workout. I like that I'm losing weight and getting in shape. Now, I have to put all of that on hold, though I know I can still lose weight without working out. I have to push the pause button and accept, with limited bitchiness, that I HAVE to take it easy. Complaining won't make the time go faster and will just make those around me dread having to be around my miserable self.

So now I have to have a new paradigm. I have to shift my thinking for a while. Instead of pushing as hard as I can, I have to slow down and take my time. I have to make myself relax and take it easy. And when I start up again, I have to go slow and not push too hard. This could possibly be the toughest part of my journey so far.

So I'll continue on my journey, slowly, and, with as much resolve as I can muster, to not let it color my outlook on things. I apologize in advance if I'm bitchy. I promise I'm working on it. :)

A Mixed Bag

I was looking around on the internet and came across an article on Yahoo about the health risks of obesity: http://news.yahoo.com/poll-few-americans-know-risks-obesity-085408215.html. Sometimes I read articles like this to help keep me motivated about the good that I'm doing in my life and how I need to continue on my journey. It's sort of an interesting article, though I must admit that none of the information in the article was a surprise to me. I've known how harmful my obesity has been to my health, but have chosen to ignore it or pretend that it wouldn't happen to me. I've struggled with several of the issues listed in the article to greater or lesser extents: high cholesterol, borderline high blood pressure, snoring/sleep apnea, arthritis in my knees, and infertility. Those last two are probably the hardest to realize that I did to myself. However, this blog post isn't about regrets or bad choices in the past. At this point, you might be asking exactly what this post IS about. And now I will let you know.

For some reason, that I can never figure out, I always read some of the comments after articles that I read especially if they are about issues that are important to me. What I realized as I was reading the comments was that it is sad how many people think that it is okay to be horribly mean to people who are overweight. I've heard and/or dealt with negativity most of my life. Comments that are just a little mean as a failed attempt to be funny all the way to comments that are hurtful and ugly. I don't understand it. I don't know why people think that is okay. No matter what a person weighs, they are still a person with feelings that can be hurt. And there is nothing helpful about being negative to a person who is struggling, whether it is because of their choices or not. Physically, it is a struggle to be overweight. Everything is harder. So why make it more difficult emotionally? I've never heard someone who has lost weight say thank you to the people who made fun of them or belittled them because they made such an important difference in their journey. I know I'm thankful to those who have been supportive and kind as I have been on my journey. Losing weight is tough enough. As someone who has quit smoking as well as started on a journey to be healthier, I will tell you that as tough as it was to quit smoking, it has been harder to stay focused on my journey. Food is a part of life and can't be avoided. When I quit smoking, I could avoid areas where people were smoking or places where I always smoked. In fact, from the time I quit until the time I moved out of that apartment, I rarely went out on the balcony because that was where I smoked most of the time I was home. Food is everywhere. Eating is often a social activity: Treat days at work, going out to eat with family to celebrate, meeting at the bar after work for drinks and snacks, and so on. So I guess my point with this part of my blog is to remind people to be kind. You never know what someone is going through or where they are in their journey and being mean, even if you are trying to be funny, is never helpful. Treat each other with kindness. I'm working on this myself. Being kind sometimes seems harder than it should be, but it is important.

Now to a more positive part of this blog. I had a conversation with a friend, who is also on her journey to being healthier, about how her doctor had told her on one of her visits. that she was no longer morbidly obese. I was early enough in my journey that I didn't think about it much because I knew I wasn't far out of being morbidly obese, if at all. Reading this article today got me thinking about that conversation and I wondered where I was on the scale. I googled obesity scales and found this one:

Now, it's not the most official or, frankly, flattering, but it illustrates what I was looking at. When I started this journey, I was morbidly obese. It's not a happy thing to admit, but it's the truth. When I checked today, I realized that I'm not morbidly obese or even severely obese any more! I'm still obese and still have growth (or loss) to go, but what a positive realization!! I was so excited! Of course, this is one of those weird things that is hard to share with everyone, because it sounds kind of weird. So I thought about sharing it on Facebook and decided not to then I thought about not sharing it. However, I decided that this was the perfect format to share this information. If you are reading my blog, you are interested in my journey for whatever reason. :) So you should understand why this is exciting for me!

Now as I continue on my journey, I try to remember to be kind and to keep my successes in mind, even if they are a little strange sounding.

Time to Reflect

A friend of mine posted a reflective statement on Facebook and it made me think. I've been very focused on where I want to be. Maybe I should take a little time to look back and see how far I've come. New Year's Day always seems to be a time to reflect on the previous year.

I just looked at pictures from Christmas last year and am shocked with what I see. I honestly didn't realize how big I was then. I guess I had just gotten used to it and didn't think about it. I knew I wasn't happy with how I looked, but I just wasn't willing to do anything about it. I didn't have a lot of energy, but then again, I didn't need a lot for as little as I did.

Finally in April, I had enough. I was ready to make a change. I was tired of not liking how I looked and felt. I started small and kept it quiet because I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to accomplish anything. But it worked and I kept working. I made changes and stepped up my physical activity. And I kept going! I didn't give up. I didn't quit.

So now I look at what I've accomplished:

• I have lost 79 pounds.
• I have competed in seven races: six 5Ks and one 4 mile.
• I have set my routine to workout at least five days a week.
• I am running when I do races now. Not the whole race, but some of it.
• I eat healthier and pay attention to what I'm eating.
• I am willing to share my journey with anyone who wants to hear about it.
• I do group workout classes when I always hated them before.
• I wake up in the mornings when I don't have to get up and workout, included Christmas and New Year's Eve and Day.
• I come home from work and workout as a way to get rid of stress.
• I have a new batch of healthy recipes that I love to make and that we love to eat.

That's what I've got for now and WOW does that make me feel proud of myself. I have accomplished so much and have even more left to accomplish.

Here are my goals for 2013:

• I want to lose another 21 pounds, at least. I'll re-evaluate when I reach that goal.
• I want to compete in a 10K race.
• I want to continue to do a race every month, though January is looking challenging.
• I want to continue to try new recipes and have a list of favorites for all seasons.
• I want to continue to blog on a regular basis.

So while I've accomplished so much, I still have further to go. It somehow seems less intimidating when I see how far I've come.

It's good to reflect as I'm sitting here in my workout clothes after having already done my workout for the day. :) Wow, how my life has changed! I know I wasn't in workout clothes this early, or honestly at all, last New Year's Day.

So I'm going to continue on my journey with the pride that comes from reflecting on where I've come from and the knowledge of where I am going.

Happy New Year! May 2013 be a blessed year for you!