Harshest critic: part 1 of who knows how many

As part of my decision to live a healthier life, I have not only changed my eating habits but have added a lot of physical activity to my life. I walk almost everyday and if I'm not walking, then I'm doing an exercise class at the Y or at the very least, working out at home with my Wii Fit. I know this is a great change for me, especially considering how sedentary I used to be. I'm able to walk for sixty minutes on a weight loss program on the treadmill, where 10 weeks ago, I was exhausted after walking twenty minutes. I often even add extra minutes to my treadmill workout to build up my endurance. I'm willing to try just about any class that is offered, though I did determine that I can't do Body Design because it is too hard on my knee. I'm proud of myself and what I am doing that I haven't done in far too long.

However, despite everything...I still find myself feeling like a failure at times. There are things that I just can't do. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, there are things that I can't do, and might never be able to do. Any time I see something that I can't do, a part of me feels like a failure. For example, I can't run. I have arthritis in my right knee (frankly, probably both knees) and so high impact activities, like running, make me hurt too much for me to do them. It's not that I even really want to run. I used to run some when I was younger and I never really enjoyed it. It's mostly that I can't and so that frustrates me. It makes me feel like a failure.

I know I should just focus on what I can do instead of focusing on what I can't. I know I should celebrate the successes I'm having. I know that having arthritis isn't really something I can control, though my weight certainly does exacerbate it. Rationally I know that I need to let this go and that I'm just doing what I always do and am being too hard on myself. I'm not letting it stop me, but I do have to be aware of it. I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I just have to make sure that I don't get in my own way.

Until I post again, I will continue acting on my decision.