Life is crazy...but never dull!

Well, I had the best of intentions of posting at least once a week. What is it they say about good intentions and something to do with hell? I'm not going to fret about it because of one of my new resolutions, which is coming later in this blog. I'll just say that I wanted to write in here as much as I can so I have a place to put all my random thoughts.

So, in the last four months, so many things have changed in my life. I am now 50 pounds lighter, a regular exerciser, and a healthier eater. I actually like taking pictures and don't hide when a camera is near me. I've walked my first, and definitely not my last, 5K at a pace of about a 16 minute mile. I cook more and eat less. My clothes are big on me and I wear a belt almost every day. I feel better about myself and have a confidence that I haven't had for a really long time. Out of all of those amazing changes, the last one is the one that really means the most to me. I hadn't realized how much I didn't like myself until I really started to like myself again. I didn't realize how many excuses I made or how little faith I had in myself until I started making changes and not excuses. I am stronger than I knew and can do more than I believed.

That leads to my next random thought. In mid May, I started doing weight loss programs on the treadmill. Basically they have five minute rotation: 1 minute base speed, 1 minute a little faster than base speed, 1 minute base speed, and 2 minutes at base speed with incline. I started with level 1 for 20 minutes and thought I was going to die!! However, I kept with it and worked my way through it and increased the time. Today, after I did 10 minutes at level 2, 30 minutes at level 3, and 20 minutes at level 4, I decided to try 20 minutes of level 5 and actually felt like I could have gone longer!! I am frequently amazed at what I can do if I'm only willing to try. I'm not scared of trying new things and have learned that if the steps I try end up being too big, I don't have to give up. I can keep working and get there when I'm ready! I honestly never thought I would be able to do what I can do now and wonder what I'll be able to do in another four months!

One frustration I have had since school has started is that I have a hard time doing the workouts that I was doing this summer for time reasons. I know I can do it physically, but finding the time is a real challenge. This summer I was doing 100 minutes on the treadmill daily, taking classes at the Y, working out so much, and loving it!! But I have to remind myself that I didn't have to do anything else. I was off work and didn't have much else to do. Now that I'm back at work, finding the time is challenging. So this lead to my new resolution: I'm allowing me to cut myself some slack. I don't have to be perfect. I have my own permission to not do a workout if I had to stay at school until 6 to get things done. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy about this and Vince and I are going to go treadmill shopping in September so I can start to workout at home on busy days. However, I know how I am. I get angry and frustrated with myself if I don't do what I think I can. I have to learn to give myself a break and allow for things to be okay. I'm not giving up. I'm not being a failure. I'm not making excuses. I'm being a human being with a lot going on in my life. I'll figure out how to get my workouts in because they are too important to me, but I'm not going to let me beat myself up if I'm not perfect. That just makes me feel bad about myself and then I start feeling bad about everything and start being too hard on myself.

So there it is. Those are my random thoughts as I continue acting on my decision.

Eating well without eating everything

With this 4th of July, I experienced my first holiday where people gather and eat since I started on my journey. I have to admit that I was worried about it. I've eaten out consistently since I've started living healthier, but I always do it on the weekend so I have plenty of time to work off what I eat. This time it was going to be on a Wednesday, only two days before I weighed in. Thankfully, I was eating at the house of a friend who is also on her journey to being healthier so I knew that there would be options for healthy eating. But, I was still nervous.

My friend and I met to work out in the morning before everything was starting, which made me feel better because I was doing good things to start the day. I made sure to eat light before we went: veggies, fruit, and a little protein. I knew how many points I had available for my day and reminded myself that I always have around 100 points left at the end of the week (between the 49 weekly "flex" points and the activity points I earn) so I had some flexibility. I took a fruit salad with fresh fruit (0 points) and a veggie tray with Greek yogurt ranch dipping sauce (veggies 0 points and dipping sauce 1 point for 1/4 c) so I knew there would be things to fill me up.

I am happy to report that I had a wonderful evening and ate plenty so I did not feel deprived but didn't feel ridiculously full. When I got home that night, I put everything in my Plan Manager and discovered that I had only gone over my daily points by 2 points! That was an awesome feeling! I'm really learning what I can eat and what I can't without having to feel hungry or like I'm missing out on something. The evening was doubly great. I had a wonderful time with great friends who I love spending time with and I didn't have to feel guilty or stuffed because of unwise food choices. With every new hurdle I defeat, I believe more that I really will be able to do this and that I have the strength and power to be healthy and happy! Turtle Power!!

Now I know I saved this for last because while it's wonderful news, I think what I shared above is just as powerful if not more so. This week I lost five more pounds!!! I am down 36 points and am feeling so incredible! It's been a powerful week and I couldn't be happier!

Harshest critic: part 1 of who knows how many

As part of my decision to live a healthier life, I have not only changed my eating habits but have added a lot of physical activity to my life. I walk almost everyday and if I'm not walking, then I'm doing an exercise class at the Y or at the very least, working out at home with my Wii Fit. I know this is a great change for me, especially considering how sedentary I used to be. I'm able to walk for sixty minutes on a weight loss program on the treadmill, where 10 weeks ago, I was exhausted after walking twenty minutes. I often even add extra minutes to my treadmill workout to build up my endurance. I'm willing to try just about any class that is offered, though I did determine that I can't do Body Design because it is too hard on my knee. I'm proud of myself and what I am doing that I haven't done in far too long.

However, despite everything...I still find myself feeling like a failure at times. There are things that I just can't do. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, there are things that I can't do, and might never be able to do. Any time I see something that I can't do, a part of me feels like a failure. For example, I can't run. I have arthritis in my right knee (frankly, probably both knees) and so high impact activities, like running, make me hurt too much for me to do them. It's not that I even really want to run. I used to run some when I was younger and I never really enjoyed it. It's mostly that I can't and so that frustrates me. It makes me feel like a failure.

I know I should just focus on what I can do instead of focusing on what I can't. I know I should celebrate the successes I'm having. I know that having arthritis isn't really something I can control, though my weight certainly does exacerbate it. Rationally I know that I need to let this go and that I'm just doing what I always do and am being too hard on myself. I'm not letting it stop me, but I do have to be aware of it. I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I just have to make sure that I don't get in my own way.

Until I post again, I will continue acting on my decision.

Lots going on!

This week has been an interesting week. I had a wonderful "date" Friday night with a good friend, where we went out to dinner and talked for a couple of hours. We talked about a lot of things we hadn't talked about before and it has made our friendship even stronger. Sunday, Mom, Dad, Vince, and I went out for dinner to celebrate Father's Day. My parents are so proud of the changes that I'm making in my life, but seem to be nervous that I'm not going to keep moving on my journey. It's wonderful to have their support and I know that I might just be too sensitive about this. On Tuesday, I got to teach a session at a technology training and got a lot of positive comments about my session. I had a good time and am glad that others enjoyed it too. I had a nice lunch with two friends. This was the source of my biggest (and maybe goofiest) success story for the week. For lunch I had a half sandwich and a fruit salad from Cinnamon's Deli. Before I would have eaten the whole thing without even thinking about it. I made myself think about it. I ate the fruit first, knowing it would be filling without adding points to my day. When I got to the sandwich, I ate half of it and realized that I wasn't hungry anymore. So instead of just eating it because it was there, I got a to-go box and stopped eating. I know it seems silly, but it was a huge step for me! I was really proud of myself. Thursday, I spent the day at Rock River Rapids with two wonderful friends and their adorable children. It was a new way to hang out at a water park, but it was great fun! I love being able to hang out with my friends! Afterwards, one of those friends and I got our nails done together. I haven't spoiled myself like that in a long time and it's going to make its way on to my to-do list because I need to do things for myself! Fortunately, my friend is up for that too, so we are going to have standing dates to get our nails done and spend time together just the two of us!

So it's Friday again. Friday is my weigh in day. I'm always nervous before I weigh in. I have to remind myself that the numbers aren't what really matters. What matters is that I'm making healthier choices for my life. I know I'm doing good things. I am more active than I have been in years. I can't remember the last time that I ate as well as I am now. I think about what and how much I eat. These are all good things and I know it is making a difference in how I look and feel. However, I still want to see my weight go down. This week I was able to lose four pounds, which means I am down 31 pounds total and have lost 10% of my weight since I joined Weight Watchers! (I did join WW after I had lost 13 pounds on my own, because I knew I wanted the extra support to be able to continue to be successful) It's wonderful to see the success on the scale match the success I'm seeing in my life changes. :) After I weighed in, I went and got my hair done. It's a good day so far with the potential to get even better! :)

Here is my first entry. I'll try and post more than once a week, but won't be any less than once a week.

Until I post again, I will continue acting on my decision.